Weighing Matters

my journey to b.e.t.t.e.r

see, this is the only way [for me!] to do it!


Woo Hoo!

Mikelle bought a jump rope yesterday and went bike riding this morning! I’m so proud of her. [I know she’ll beat me.]

She should beat me! She’s 20 years old for guhness sakes!

[But this is a Win-Win. It’s worth the $150 I’ll be paying her!] It keeps us both motivated. It keeps us connected! I love seeing her success. She’ll be better off in the long run. I love when she calls and says, “What should I have for lunch?” I say, “Strawberries are only $2, or some tuna on Wasa or whole wheat. Grab a cucumber and some carrots to snack on. Buy a cantaloupe to last a couple of days. Remember healthy fats! Eat an avocado!”

She’s making the connection between eating healthy and being healthy. She’s making the connection between daily committed, conscious, planned exercise and feeling [and looking] great!


I’ve been working my buns off on the floor in front of the TV. All those leg exercises, hydrants, bum burners, etc. 100 crunches last night with my toes tucked under the ottoman [while Monk was on.] This morning side-burns while I was on the phone with Tracy. I’m starting to integrate exercise into my other activities.

Lose-Lose, Win-Win! for both of us.


August 29, 2009 Posted by | And the winner is . . . | Leave a comment

international poster child .

for the human yo-yo!

Up, down, up, down, up, down, even around a few times. I’ve tried all the tricks. Around the Corner, Hop the Fence, Roller Coaster, Double or Nothing, Elevator, Brain Twister. [I actually Googled these and picked them out of a list of 47 yo-yo tricks, because I personally identified with these names.]

You get the picture. I’ve tried everything to lose weight. But let me tell you where this roller coaster began. [I can’t believe I’m doing this. But maybe it’s where this blog is finally taking me. I started it to be honest with myself – finally – about my weight, and other things, (I just haven’t got to the other things, yet!) that have kept me, as if, wrapped in barbed wire, all these years.]

At the age of 16 I was pregnant. I can yet close my eyes and see everything in panoramic precision. It was May 30 and we were at the park in Evanston having a Memorial Day picnic. We had all the usuals — hot dogs, potato salad, chips, chocolate cake, Kool-Ade. A thought crossed my mind and I was immediately disgusted, but the more I thought about it, I was actually intrigued! I went into the bathroom at the park, stuck my fingers down my throat and threw up for the first time. Wow. I ate all that food, and then just got rid of it, just like that. I continued barfing the whole pregnancy, and I weighed 109 post-partum.

Long story short, I did this for the next 25 years or so.

Note:  Even though I started throwing up for one reason, I continued for many other reasons. Bulimia is a complicated, debilitating, shameful, controlling, all-consuming condition.

Another picture that comes to mind is when I was first married. I weighed 123. 123 for Pete’s sake! I looked great! But my husband the troll I was married to told me I needed to lose weight. He told me a lot of other things I needed to do to ‘make him happy.’ He said I walked like a duck. He actually walked about 10 feet in front of me when we were in public. Did I embarrass him or something? Obviously I did. I constantly [every single day] got the message loud and clear that I was nothing. I was worthless. I was below him. So I did everything I could think of to make him happy. I kept a spotless home, I fixed good meals, and I did things that appalled me, to satisfy him. I changed my hair color to make him like me. And I threw up every single day. Often 3 or 4 times a day! But I never was ‘good enough’ for him. He had nine [count them! 9!] affairs with women who, evidently, were good enough.

When I was pregnant with Mikelle [new husband] I knew I needed to get help and went into a 6-week treatment program for bulimia [I remember the first time I’d heard that word. I was sitting in this very house watching Oprah. Until that moment I had no idea anyone else in the world did what I did.] It was the first time I let myself hope I might be able to change.

Throughout my life I have also been anorexic, running up to 6 miles a day, and eating only yogurt and water. I’ve used Fen Fen, many brands of diet pills, laxatives, and starvation. For what? I’ve been a size 4. I’ve been as size 16! I’ve ruined my teeth, my intestinal track, lost hair, lost muscle, lost self respect, and oh, so very much more. At very dark times I’ve tried to figure out why. Some of the reasons that come to mind are perceived abandonment, incest, molestation, assault, rape, and those 14 years in a marriage that hurt me so much emotionally, psychologically.

My weight has been about protection, about self-loathing, about hiding, about not feeling deserving.  #@Heck@#. About not feeling anything! I still have moments when I don’t believe I deserve to be healthy, so I sabotage.

Right now? Today? I’m more ME than I’ve ever been. [Granted I’ve lost a whole chunk of life trying to be anything BUT me] I’m at a place when my health [not my weight] is important. I just lost my Mother and I saw how hard it was for her to function in her unhealthy body. I don’t want to be like that. I want to still be able to walk and use that bathroom without help and get up stairs and get the mail, and go on vacation without a wheel chair and without a walker. I LIKE eating healthy. I want to exercise. I want to be strong. I want to feel young. Heck! I still want to swim out to the buoy at Bear Lake with all my kids and grandkids at age 75! So for the last fifteen years or so, I’ve tried to lose weight the right way. [Yes, I still have uncontrollable binges, but I don’t purge! – thus the weight!] I’m still wrapped in barbed wire. Oh yes I am. I’m still damaged and messed up. I still cry myself to sleep and at unexpected moments when I can’t control the hurt. But I’m finally at a place where I can look at myself in the mirror [most days] and accept me.

So. Where did all of this come from? A dear friend asked me what my biggest weight challenge was. But my weight has always been about other things. [Thus the humongous post.]

Wholeness today involves more than my weight. It involves my emotional well-being, my psyche, my relationship with God, my mental acuity, my quest for self-acceptance, my desire to serve another person each day, and yes, my need to [still] feel loved.

Wow, that was very cleansing! I feel about ten pounds lighter!

August 29, 2009 Posted by | Out of the closet | 2 Comments

anyone there?


“Oh-fuh-guhness-sakes!” I know you’re there. I can hear you breathing.

August 27, 2009 Posted by | Weight just a minute | 5 Comments

crunching the numbers

I just checked the Weight Watchers site for a weight-range chart and this is what I found:

4’8″ 56″ 89 112
4’9″ 57″ 92 116
4’10” 58″ 96 120
4’11” 59″ 99 124
5’0″ 60″ 102 128
5’1″ 61″ 106 132
5’2″ 62″ 109 137
5’3″ 63″ 113 141
5’4″ 64″ 117 146
5’5″ 65″ 120 150
5’6″ 66″ 124 155
5’7″ 67″ 128 160
5’8″ 68″ 132 164
5’9″ 69″ 135 169
5’10” 70″ 139 174

So my goal of 145 pounds is actually a little higher than they recommend, although I would LOVE to weight 145. Maybe if I ever when I get there I could look at my height’s recommendation of 141 as a further option.

Come on, join us in our little Biggest Loser challenge. You just have to respond, have a goal in mind. Pinky promise that you will do it in a healthy way, no crash diets, no stupid starvation, no pills, no laxatives, no binging. Just losing weight the old fashion way  —  eating smart and healthy, and moving [exercising] more.

August 27, 2009 Posted by | Weight just a minute | Leave a comment

1,000,082,903 and counting . . .

It’s nose to nose.

Mikelle and I are hard at it. So far she’s the Biggest Loser!

I started Monday, she started Tuesday. She’s doing a little better than I am. Ya! She’s young. I remember when I use to be able to drop five pounds in a couple of days.

So far this week I have eaten so well. Totally consciously. And I’ve exercised every single day alternating uppers and lowers. Mikelle went rock climbing Monday and Wednesday after work. She texted me this morning, “Mom, you really should try this. It’s such a great workout.” Holy Cow Kelle! I’m almost 60! And, besides, I did rock climb in Cozumel just a few weeks ago!

I know I have said this a zillion eighty-two thousand nine hundred and three times, but I am going to keep this off. [Did I really say that again?]

August 27, 2009 Posted by | Weight just a minute | Leave a comment

as if that wasn’t enough . . .

There are no coincidences!

Everything is on purpose! Yesterday I researched SUGAR on-line and then blogged about it. Today I heard a segment on the Today Show and this is what I learned:

Americans are swallowing more than 22 teaspoons of extra sugar a day. And it’s killing us one teaspoon at a time! Most of it comes from candy, soft drinks, sugared dry cereal and ice cream!

Let’s break it all down and test our sugar IQ!

1.    How many extra calories a day are we packing on with this added sugar? Is it 100 calories? 250 calories? Or 350 calories a day?

2.    Let’s translate this into how many pounds a year. With 22 extra teaspoons of sugar a day, how many pounds would you gain in a year? 10 pounds? 20 pounds? Or 30 pounds?

3.    Which of these has more sugar? A small chocolate bar? Or 4 vines of red licorice?

4.    Does a 6 ounce glass of 100% grape juice have more or less than 6 teaspoons of sugar?

5.    What percent of breakfast cereal is sugar [such as Fruit Loops or Frosted Corn Flakes. Even Frosted Mini Wheat!] 25%? 35%? Or 50%?

6.    How many teaspoons of sugar would you save if you replaced three chocolate chip cookies with a bowl of Smart Pop microwave popcorn? Would you save? 8 teaspoons? 14 teaspoons, or 18 teaspoons of sugar?

7.    If you are looking at using jelly or jam, and you have 2 tablespoons of regular preserves or sugar free, [such as Simply Fruit brand] how many teaspoons of sugar would you save if you had the sugar free? 2? 4? Or 6 teaspoons of sugar?

8.    Does a regular sized [not gigantic or super sized] vanilla milkshake have 20, 25, or 30 teaspoons of sugar?


1.    350
2.    30
3.    Both have a lot of sugar; chocolate bar has 6, licorice has 4!
4.    more, 10 teaspoons
5.    50%
6.    18 teaspoons!
7.    6 teaspoons
8.    25 teaspoons.

I mean would you really stand at the kitchen counter and dip out 25 teaspoons of sugar into a glass of milk?

And what happens if you have a day when you just happen to have Frosted Mini Wheat for breakfast, a chocolate bar for a snack, a good healthy regular lunch, but a vanilla shake later in the evening?  Holy cow! That’s over 60 teaspoons of sugar in one day.

Is this Satan’s plan? I mean, get us all hyped up, or depressed, dysfunctional, so we can’t focus on what’s really important? Is the AMA pushing sugar much like the tobacco industry does it’s dirty work? Are we just irresponsible and ignorant when it comes to sugar? Why would we knowingly consume 150 -170 pounds of sugar a year?


I used to work in a grocery store and I often stocked the bake aisle. The big bag of sugar is 25 pounds, so that means the average American consumes six to seven huge bags of sugar a year [I’m not talking about the 5 or 10 # size. I’m talking about the bag you have to get a wagon to carry! The size you put into food storage!] [I’m talking about the one with the big plastic handle!]

August 27, 2009 Posted by | Weight just a minute | Leave a comment

sweet nothing, literally . . .

Well, I never pretended to know or understand how my body/brain works. Exactly when I think I [possibly] have things figured out, I get a whole new education. All I know, today, is that things are going well. I feel satisfied. I feel OK about me. [In fact I feel great!] I feel as though I can do anything I decide is important to do. I believe I’m worthwhile, valuable, contributing to my own wholeness and other’s well-being. This is how I imagine others feel most of the time. This is how I define normal.

Today is my third good day in a row. Sugar has not passed my lips. Junk food has not temped me.

Is that what it’s all about?


I know sugar is a drug. I understand some of the chemical reactions it causes in our bodies, such as depressing our immune system and making us feel depressed. It raises insulin level, which inhibits the release of growth hormones and promotes fat storage, so when we eat sweets high in sugar, we’re making way for rapid weight gain and elevated triglyceride levels.

How’s this for alarming alliteration!?!

Simple sugars have been observed to aggravate asthma, move mood swings, provoke personality changes, muster mental illness, nourish nervous disorders, deliver diabetes, hurry heart disease, grow gallstones, hasten hypertension, and add arthritis.

Sugar . . Oh my heck. Why is this stuff even legal?

[If you’ve got any of this going on, you might want to take a peak in the pantry!]

  • Sugar can suppress the immune system
  • Sugar can upset the body’s mineral balance
  • Sugar can contribute to hyperactivity, anxiety, depression, concentration difficulties and crankiness
  • Sugar can cause drowsiness
  • Sugar can cause hypoglycemia
  • Sugar contributes to a weakened defense against bacterial infection
  • Sugar can cause kidney damage
  • Sugar can increase the rise of coronary heart disease
  • Sugar reduces helpful cholesterol and elevates harmful cholesterol
  • Sugar may lead to chromium deficiency
  • Sugar can cause copper deficiency
  • Sugar interferes with calcium and magnesium absorption
  • Sugar promotes tooth decay
  • Sugar can produce an acidic stomach
  • Sugar can speed the aging process, causing wrinkles and grey hair
  • Sugar contributes to weight gain and obesity. Duh, ya think?
  • Sugar can contributes to diabetes
  • Sugar can contribute to osteoporosis
  • Sugar can cause free radical formation in the bloodstream
  • Sugar causes food allergies
  • Sugar can cause toxemia during pregnancy
  • Sugar can contribute to eczema in children
  • Sugar can overstress the pancreases, causing permanent damage
  • Sugar can cause atherosclerosis
  • Sugar can compromise the lining of the capillaries
  • Sagan can cause liver cells to divide, increasing the size of the liver
  • Sugar can increase the amount of fat in the liver
  • Sugar can increase kidney size and produce pathological changes in the kidney
  • Sugar can cause headaches, including migraines
  • Sugar increases bacterial fermentation in the color = cancer
  • Sugar increases risk of blood clots and strokes

Hello o O O!

If this stuff were a street drug like cocaine or heroin I’m pretty sure people would be arrested and convicted by the millions. It does as much [or more] damage as the hard stuff, costs us billions in medical bills and loss of job productivity. It single handedly causes more cancer and death than any other one item.


I don’t know about you, but this has been an excruciatingly blunt and extremely frightening light-bulb moment for me, and I’m ready to abstain from the white stuff.

August 26, 2009 Posted by | Weight just a minute | Leave a comment

ruby tuesday

Today has been good. Although I’m feeling a little hungry right now [9 pm], I’m heading off to bed without pigging-out on snacks and junk. It’s a good feeling — the kind that assures me I’m going to be down a half pound in the morning. It’s the kind of gnawing feeling in my stomach saying I could eat something huge right now, but I’ve chosen to not go there. I feel like I have accomplished something the last two days and just doing that has given me just a titch of power. It’s so discouraging, frustrating, that food has so much control, [rephrase, that I give food so much control] over me.

But I’m Psyched!

Beautiful, youngest daughter, Mikelle, and I just challenged each other to the Biggest Loser. We’re each putting $50 in the pot and then we’re going to convince hubby to put in $100 so that the winner will get two hundred big ones for losing weight, inches, body fat, and pant sizes. Weighing and measuring starts tonight. We’ve committed to eat healthy, just to cut back and exercise our little big buns off. So no crash dieting going on here. Gotta have the 5-7 veggies and fruits, 3 servings of milk, protein, and healthy fats. Lot’s of water.

I just need the challenge!
A goal.
A purpose.
A reason.


August 25, 2009 Posted by | Weight just a minute | Leave a comment

monday, monday

Monday was relatively a good day. Started out lifting [uppers] at 6 am. I always have a better day when I lift. I KNOW that. So why not start everyday right?

Sipped a chocolate Slim Fast on crushed ice.

Fresh fruit for breakfast. Melons, pineapple, grapes, strawberries.

Mixed Berry Yoplait.

Shredded Wheat and All Bran with two percent.

There must have been something else, but I don’t remember it.

Monday, Monday, so good to me
Monday morning, it was all I hoped it would be
Oh, Monday morning, Monday morning couldn’t guarantee
That Monday evening you would still be here with  me

Now, let’s see how Ruby Tuesday goes . . .

August 25, 2009 Posted by | Weight just a minute | Leave a comment

pitty potty post . . .

What I imagine people saying about my pitty potty post:

My 8 year-old-granddaughter, Keziah:
“Oh for goodness sakes!” Only she says it fast, nearly all one word, Kyra Sedgwick-like with a southern tinge. “Oh-fuh-guhness-sakes!”


Dr. Laura:
“Now go do the right thing.”

Simon Cowell:
“It was absolute indulgent rubbish if you want my honest opinion. I mean really, really horrific.”

Billy Chrystal:
“Don’t be ridikolus.”

“Life is just a phase you’re going through…you’ll get over it.”

“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.”

Will Rogers:
“Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.”

Two or three of my ‘friends’ who will remain nameless:
Get over yourself, get over it, and get over the self-absorbed nature of publishing details of your personal life online. And, by the way, just stop eating so dang much.

I much prefer Dr. Laura.

August 24, 2009 Posted by | Weight just a minute | Leave a comment