Weighing Matters

my journey to b.e.t.t.e.r

insight

The problem with getting a colonoscopy is that I’ve pretty much finished all my Sudoku puzzles that I keep in the bathroom.

October 30, 2009 Posted by | Weight just a minute | Leave a comment

the same non-answers

How did I get here? Why am I the way I am? I don’t know. I try to figure it out when I have nothing better to do and come up with the same non-answers all the time. I’m more like my Dad, even though I adored my Mother. I’m black and white, no nonsense, short conversations, get to the point, me.

I have a friend/co-worker who is so up and positive and almost annoying. She’s always saying with her voice half-an-octave too high [except, perhaps, for canines!] “Oh, good for YOU!” whether it fits the conversation well or not. For example. Yesterday we were discussing our college-age children. Mikelle had just made a payment to her school. I said, ” Mikelle didn’t want to pay because evidently she likes to keep her checking account at a $1000.

“Oh, Good for HER!”

Me: “The only problem is, whenever she pays something she calls her dad and asks for money.”

“Oh, Good for HER!”

Me: “Good for her? Well, not good for us! I just paid her insurance. It was $342.10!”

“Oh, Good for YOU!”

Whatever.

Later I noticed several students were genuinely excited to see her working [not her regular shift.] They hugged her and she was squeaking away .  . Good for YOU!s all over the place. She walked down the hall with a couple of girls and let them in the year book room.

Me? I would have insisted they wait until their teacher gets there. But she tries to help the kids with whatever they need. She always goes above and beyond. She’s like that in her neighborhood as well. Several [and I mean SEVERAL] widows count on her to help them with grocery shopping, doctor appointments, and a listening ear.

I try to be good. I try to be helpful and serve in my assignments and callings. I do my visiting teaching every month. I try to call my children and grandchildren. I try to do what I’m supposed to do. But I really can’t do the overly-excited-fakey-friendly-cheerful-gaggy stuff. Just not my cup of Postum.

And yet she has SO MANY FRIENDS!

Me? I like to be alone! I like peace and quiet. I like a good movie, a good murder mystery. I like down time, quiet music . . . uplifting, but quiet. I like one grandchild at a time. I like a toasty blanket and a rice pack and steaming vegetable broth. Or hot tomato soup made with water, not milk. I like short phone calls and long Dr. Oz shows. I love sleeping in the car with the sunshine beating down on it. I love creating the perfect craft for a loved one, but get tired of it quickly. [So many half-finished projects.] I like my bed made every single day. I like things in their place.

My daughter says I like things more than I like people. Probably.

But how did I get here? Why am I the way I am? I don’t know. I try to figure it out when I have nothing better to do and come up with the same non-answers all the time. I’m more like my Dad, even though I adored my Mother. I’m black and white, no nonsense, short conversations, get to the point, me . . .

October 30, 2009 Posted by | Weight just a minute | 2 Comments

go ahead, make my day!

At work this morning Becky asked me what I was doing. I’m like “What?”

She said, “You look healthy. You look strong and firm and  . . . just good.” Ok, maybe I just made that up. I don’t think she really said all that, but she did say something to the effect. I told her I’ve been exercising and eating healthy and all about Eight Minutes in the Morning, my favorite exercise program. She asked about cardio, I answered, “I don’t to that. I can get into my training range [220 – age X 70-80%] by doing strength training.” She asked, “What do you use, 5 pound weights?” Me: “No I use 10, 12, 15, and 20 pounders! [I was having a moment of pride, I know.] I said, “I started with five pounds, but I’ve worked up.”

Oh my heck! It made me feel so good about all the hard work, all the time, all the posting, all the days without eating everything in sight!

Later in the afternoon I went to Farmers to pay insurance on Mikelle’s car [$342.10! Yikes!] Jan opened her mouth and paused, and said “You look like you’ve lost weight.” Golden words to my  ears! Oh, the beauty of those words. I swear I melted into a heap right then. It gave me the opportunity to bore her to death with all the details of this ‘losing-17-pounds-in-6-months’ journey. She quickly busied herself with the business of emptying my entire checking account of any left-over money I thought I’d have for the rest of the pay period.

If I can just remember!

If I can just think!

If I can just know!

This is worth it. I feel excellent [my dear!] I feel in control [usually!] I have some [reasonably] cute new clothes. I am starting to like myself [on occasional days.] I walk straighter, more up-right. And I hold my head up and my shoulders back and my tummy in!

If eating healthy and exercising makes such a HUGE difference in my life, Lord, please help me to remember!

October 29, 2009 Posted by | Weight just a minute | Leave a comment

ok, ok! i’ve got this!

I got over my little binge. Worked that completely out of my system and I’m writing these very words to make sure the itch is gone. Slowing, but surely, [as sure as a+b=c] I’m getting back to the plan and seeing good results! [Back to 145] I can’t believe I was so frustrated and discouraged [temporarily] that I didn’t even exercise for three whole days! [I did this morning!]

That’s what unhealthy food, misuse of food, food cravings, food temptations, food binges, and food-stupid does to me! I don’t know about you. I don’t know about anyone else in the world, but for me, [I’m becoming an expert on me!] stupid food tricks [like late-night stupid-dog tricks or stupid-human tricks ] belong on Letterman or in the circus. Not here. Not where I so easily fall prey to them.

I know that! I do! But I ran to Kemmerer [on an empty stomach] to get some pre-procedure labs done and thought while I was there I should get a few groceries. Then I walked past the Quaker rice cakes. See. I knew better. Stay in the perimeter of the store! Stay near the produce! NOOOOOOO! Don’t go to the candy aisle. Whatever you do, don’t go near the chip aisle.

But I did. I walked right over to them . . . looked at the plain ones and put them back. I heard a voice say. “You deserve a treat! You deserve the White Cheddar ones. You haven’t had them for a long time. You can just eat a few.” It was like an out-of-body experience! [I’m pretty sure it was me doing the talking . . . I’m not trying to blame this on anyone else!]

And then I started the whole rationalization, the excuses, the self-sabotage. And within about 25 minutes, I had eaten the whole stinkin’ package.

So what did I learn?

No matter how big a handle I think I’ve [sometimes] got on this whole thing, I’m still going to have moments when I need a back-up plan.

For-ev-er!

I’m like a kid playing in traffic! I think for a minute I can get away with it. But, NO. Playing children and moving vehicles don’t mix. Food junkies and junk-food don’t mix!

Ok, ok. I’ve got this.

[The really good part is I stopped after one short-lived binge. I got back to me. And the second and third persons noticed!]

October 29, 2009 Posted by | Weight just a minute | Leave a comment

crap

It’s just like day one all over again!

October 27, 2009 Posted by | Weight just a minute | Leave a comment

yes i do, no i don’t

I’ve wanted post. I really have. But, no I haven’t. I really haven’t. Here’s the thing. I will have to either fake it or straight-out lie about my weight and I don’t want to do that. Especially given the fact that I was doing so, so well and had gotten to 144 last week. THREE pounds to goal! I was flying high I’m here to tell ya!

[But this morning I was trying to encourage my friend who is having lots of personal challenges right now and I felt like a king-size hypocrite!]

After spending the weekend at Tracy’s [and eating what I thought was pretty dang healthy the whole time] I came back home at 146.5! I mean really! What’s that all about? 2 1/2 pounds? And I’ve been waiting to get back to 144 so I could post with a clear conscience. Not happening! I thought it was a very temporary gain because I had a l-o-n-g drive and didn’t stop for bathroom breaks, so I figured it was water weight. Or, you know how traveling always seems to makes you gain. But two days later I haven’t lost it! So crap! I don’t feel like posting!

I can’t even bear to measure.

Usually measuring will alleviate any feelings of failure because I see my ‘before and afters’ in black and white purple [actually] and can see the progress and accomplishments, but right now that doesn’t seem like enough.

I’m fixated on the scale.

I know better!

This morning I weighed, got dressed and went to work. About an hour later [this is really sick . . . you may want to turn away] I had a bathroom stop and wondered ‘Gee, I wonder how much I weigh now!’ Oh my heck! I can’t believe I am actually admitting this. I went into the nurse’s office and totally stripped down to my undies and got on the scale. Again!

I’m fixating on the scale.

I know better!

[OK, now I’m just repeating myself.]

Then, after work, I did the unthinkable! I stopped at the grocery store and bought a package of Quaker White Cheese Rice Cakes. I ate the whole thing. All 14 cakes. All 630 calories. I really just want to puke. What drove me there? What has driven me to become careless and depressed and discouraged? [practically overnight!] I don’t like these feelings and bad habits that snuck back so quickly.

Back to what I know works and is healthy. Back to veggies and fruits, lean protein, some dairy, nuts and whole grains. Back to healthy snacking. Back to plenty of hydration. Back to supplements and vitamins. Back to not eating after 6 PM [because I go to bed by 9.] Back to good, hard exercising until I work up a sweat. Back to positive affirmations. Back to stickin’ to it.

It scares me when I realize how very quickly I could lose all the progress of the last 6 months!

October 27, 2009 Posted by | Weight just a minute | 3 Comments

{{{{ loved it }}}}

Oh my GOODness.

So, I just got to 144 and have been wanting/needing to be extra careful in food choices. I don’t want to cut back [into starvation mode which causes the body to start saving all the calories and storing them as fat . . .] and I don’t want to get careless. Don’t want to mess up the metabolism right now. It’s doing a great job! Don’t want to think the last three pounds came off so quickly that I ‘deserve’ a little reward. No.

I was pretty hungry and remembered I had boo-koo veggies in the fridge. It was time to use ’em or lose ’em. So I sautéed sweet onion, red pepper and mushrooms. Still couldn’t decide what to do. Then I saw the salsa back behind the milk and added about a quarter cup — let it all simmer together.

Suddenly. Brilliant! I envisioned a dollop of cottage cheese on top. It would add some nutrition and cheese-like flavor. [much like ricotta]! Perfecto!

Last, I cut up a whole avocado then heated two spinach wraps for 15 seconds in the microwave. And the outcome was absolutely delightful. Layered the wrap, veggies, cottage cheese, a sprinkle of Salad Supreme, some cubed avocado. Next folded and rolled the whole thing up and, [can you spell ‘devour’?] [can you spell ‘messy’?] thoroughly enjoyed the concoction. DeLISH. Oh my GOODness, [again.]

{{{{{ loved it }}}}}

How anyone could choose cheese cake, donuts or ice cream — over something so wonderfully nutritional, filling, satisfying, and just plain fantastic — beats me! <g>

OK, I admit it. I’m just trying to psyche myself up for healthy!

October 22, 2009 Posted by | Weight just a minute | 2 Comments

lucky

I love numbers.

I love all sorts of patterns in numbers. For example, I love the time of day 12:34. I equally love 2:22, 11:11 and 4:56. All sorts of numbers with sequential or successive configurations. I love the numbers 22 and 7. I loved when a couple of months ago it was 09-09-09 on September 9th. I have a nephew, Cabel, who was born at 12:34 on 5-6-78! I love number puzzles and number problems. I even love when I’m listening to 6.10 AM radio and the clock says 6:10.

We used to set all our clocks a minute different, so that a minute later another clock would say what the other clock just said a minute ago. We would go from room to room saying “Lucky day!” when we saw a lucky time. I loved it. Still, to this day, when I see 3:33 on the clock, I clasp my pinky fingers together and say “Good luck, good love, good life!” And I actually believe that things are going to be great.

When I score volleyball or basketballs games, I look at the score board and see patterns and imagine it will might change the outcome of the game if there is a full house or five-of-a-kind up there. Sometimes when a volleyball player with, say, #7 on her uniform scores point number 7, I say, “Wow, they’re going to win, because they have lucky numbers!”

Bizarre, I know.

But it gives me pleasure and a little laugh each day, so I continue.

One day when Tracy was about 12 I accidently ran over her foot. [Actually she stuck her foot out of the car when the car was still rolling because she was in a hurry . . .] And a few minutes later after all of the excitement and scare of the moment, I looked at the car clock and it said 4:44. Yah, I said it: “Oh look, it’s a lucky day!’

She was furious for a while. She had just gotten run over by her own mother and ‘lucky’ was not one of the words she used to describe the event!

What does all of this have to do with ‘Weighing Matters . . . my journey to b.e.t.t.e.r?”

I know pretty much how much I weighed at every important event in my life. I weighed 123 when I was married to Barry. [Remember, he thought I should lose 10-15 pounds.] I know how much I weighed when I was pregnant with each child. Scott, 116; Tracy, 165; the baby I lost at 6 months pregnant, 150; Cameron 135; Stephen 160; Mikelle, 176. I know how much I weighed at my mother’s 85th birthday, 142. At her 90th, 148. My dad’s funeral 145. When I married Leonard 118. When I was raped 126. When I went to Hershey Pennsylvania? 125. My cruise this year? 149

Yah. It’s a sickness. To be sure!

My point?

Even though it’s quirky and silly, I want to remember these numbers. I want to remember how much weight has impacted my life. I want to remember how I felt about myself [and others – because it surely has affected all my relationships!] at a given weight and a given time. I want to remember how miserable I have felt when I failed to take care of myself and when I’ve neglected my health. I want to remember how good I feel today.

Today. 144!

I feel amazing!

Yah, still not to ‘goal,’ but pretty darn close. This has been a wild ride for the past 5 1/2 months and I never want to forget how long it has taken, how hard it’s been or that it’s been worth every single minute and every single lesson I’ve learned along the way. I want to remember that although it only took a couple of months to put on 21 pounds, it has taken 6 months to take it off. I want it ingrained in my brain every time I’m tempted to thoughtlessly eat empty calories and food full of junk, sugar or preservatives.

Because the tendency is to get to the goal and then give myself permission to be lax and forgetful and careless.

I don’t want to go there again!

October 21, 2009 Posted by | Weight just a minute | Leave a comment

pounds = inches

It’s amazing to me how accurate weight loss is. I’ve heard for years that when you lose weight the healthy way, you will lose almost the same exact amount in inches as you do in pounds. [Seriously, can I really say ‘almost’ and ‘exact’ in the same sentence to describe the very same thing?] This happens when you use these five/six measurements: breast [or chest for guys,] waist, abdomen, hips and thigh. Some people use the arm measurement, as well.

I kept track this time and found the results to be amazing! When I had lost 10 pounds back in June, I had also lost 9 1/2 inches. When I reached the 13 pound mark I had also lost 13 1/2 inches. Both are within a half inch!

Do you find that incredible? I find it incredible!

It happens unless you insists on doing stupid. When you ‘do stupid,’ like using diuretics for a quick weight water loss, of course you aren’t losing fat or inches. You’re just kidding yourself. When you use laxatives, the same happens. When you purge, same results. Temporary weight loss. No inches!

But when eating healthy foods, feeding your body the nutrients it craves, drinking plenty of fluids so that you are adequately hydrated [as opposed to thinking that if you drink water, you’ll have the ‘water weight,’] and getting plenty of exercise and rest, this formula is unfailing.

Umm. Interesting.

Bust was 40, then 38, now 37.5
Waist was 34, then 31, still 31
Abdomen was 40.5, then 36 still 36
Hips were 41, then 38.5 still 38.5
Thigh was 24.75, then 22.75, now 22.25
Arm was 13.5, then 12 now 12

See how I lost a pound and lost an inch? Half an inch on my bust, half an inch on my thigh. [Two and a half inches off my thigh!?! What’s that all ‘aboot?’] [. . . They must have been HUGE!]

Fascinating.


October 17, 2009 Posted by | Weight just a minute | Leave a comment

wow, i just read . . .

a post on 3 fat chicks. com

I’m telling you, it was like looking in the mirror. Not today. Not right now. But years ago.

I am 5’4” and was 113 lbs this morning but I keep binging. I am recovering from anorexia and when I eat, I really eat. I don’t know how it fits in but afterwards I feel so lost, confused and ashamed. I don’t know what to do or where to go. Just want to have a healthy relationship with food but I can’t seem to work out a recovery plan for myself. I suppose I am just looking for a friend; I am 17 years old and I don’t know what is going on anymore.

Someone answered her:

What really helped me was to realize there is a hidden part of me that was addicted to feeling shameful. Due to events in my childhood and low feelings of self-esteem, I was subconsciously driven to prove to myself I was unworthy. By having the courage to face this fact, I can better recognize why I sometimes do the self-sabotaging things I do, which for many years now, has been an unhealthy relationship with food.

So, I ate to stuff my feelings down and to preoccupy my senses so that I didn’t have to face the shameful and fearful feelings that were bothering me. And then I hated myself for being so weak —  which had the effect of further “feeding” the shame and fear. A vicious cycle, but have faith that it can be overcome.

I don’t know if my experience helps you, but in any case, be kind to yourself and keep hanging in there. Realize it’s a process and there are no ‘quick fixes.’ Allow yourself room to learn from your mistakes. Allow yourself to be present and enjoy the journey.

I had never known I could be addicted to shame, but it really seems to fit. I recognize those feelings, those words. Thank goodness I’m not there anymore. But I do know how easy it is to slip back to that belief system. When you get to where I am right now, you believe you will never slip again. But I’ve been back and forth along that road so many times I can go there with my eyes shut. There, but for the grace of God, go I.

Thank you, God. This is such a huge blessing in my life right now.

October 17, 2009 Posted by | Weight just a minute | 1 Comment