Weighing Matters

my journey to b.e.t.t.e.r

wow, i just read . . .

a post on 3 fat chicks. com

I’m telling you, it was like looking in the mirror. Not today. Not right now. But years ago.

I am 5’4” and was 113 lbs this morning but I keep binging. I am recovering from anorexia and when I eat, I really eat. I don’t know how it fits in but afterwards I feel so lost, confused and ashamed. I don’t know what to do or where to go. Just want to have a healthy relationship with food but I can’t seem to work out a recovery plan for myself. I suppose I am just looking for a friend; I am 17 years old and I don’t know what is going on anymore.

Someone answered her:

What really helped me was to realize there is a hidden part of me that was addicted to feeling shameful. Due to events in my childhood and low feelings of self-esteem, I was subconsciously driven to prove to myself I was unworthy. By having the courage to face this fact, I can better recognize why I sometimes do the self-sabotaging things I do, which for many years now, has been an unhealthy relationship with food.

So, I ate to stuff my feelings down and to preoccupy my senses so that I didn’t have to face the shameful and fearful feelings that were bothering me. And then I hated myself for being so weak —  which had the effect of further “feeding” the shame and fear. A vicious cycle, but have faith that it can be overcome.

I don’t know if my experience helps you, but in any case, be kind to yourself and keep hanging in there. Realize it’s a process and there are no ‘quick fixes.’ Allow yourself room to learn from your mistakes. Allow yourself to be present and enjoy the journey.

I had never known I could be addicted to shame, but it really seems to fit. I recognize those feelings, those words. Thank goodness I’m not there anymore. But I do know how easy it is to slip back to that belief system. When you get to where I am right now, you believe you will never slip again. But I’ve been back and forth along that road so many times I can go there with my eyes shut. There, but for the grace of God, go I.

Thank you, God. This is such a huge blessing in my life right now.

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October 17, 2009 - Posted by | Weight just a minute

1 Comment »

  1. Oh my, what a thought provoking post. Thank you for sharing. I love how you said you can go there with your eyes shut…I swear that is so true. I don’t believe the whole “it takes 21 days to form a habit thing.” I think any good habit/practice/routine/etc takes a decision every single day and I think any bad one can be slipped into so fast, there is no way it takes 21 days to get there. Are you going to write to that girl? You should reach out to her and give her some acceptance, some love, some perspective, and some of your wisdom…don’t ya think?

    Comment by tracy | October 17, 2009 | Reply


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