Weighing Matters

my journey to b.e.t.t.e.r

day after

One down, one to go.

Thanksgiving was wonderful, with family, food, friends and fun galore. It continues today with movies and [very little] shopping. I’m through with Black Friday frenzy and all that goes with crazed shopping, but I might go to Porters or JoAnn’s later today for some pillowcase flannel and some watch faces.

The meal, itself, was not my Mother’s Thanksgiving. She always had much, much more! We had the basics but didn’t have a relish tray, yams, cranberry sauce or green bean casserole. The two turkey breasts, yummy stuffing, mashed potatoes with lots of the skins left on, gravy and green salad were plenty. Right as we were sitting down, we realized we’d forgotten the vegetable. To end the meal Andie made her famous key lime pie topped with real whipping cream. And we had pumpkin and caramel-apple pies too. [I can’t believe I had two slices of pie after eating so carefully all day long!]

It was fun to go around the table and talk about what we are grateful for. Some didn’t feel comfortable contributing, but I had a few moments to think about things that matter most to me. The only thing that would have made the day more perfect would have been to have beautiful daughter, Mikelle, there. I believe it’s been 20 years of Thanksgivings, and this is the first without having her there to brighten everything around. It would have been lovely, as well, to have Cam with us.

Now, it seems, overnight, we are thrust into holiday shopping, rushing, spending, and trying to get something just right for just the right price. I swear, sometimes I spend more money trying to save a few dollars than I would if I just ignored all the hype and coupons, and buy-one-get-one-free slogans. For example, I just looked online at Bath and Body Works and saw a fabulous deal! $107 dollars of VIP [Very Impressive Products] for only $15 with a $40 purchase. But I would save at least $55 if I don’t go there at all. I opted for the second.

I want to relax, have fun, look at all the crazy people and bask in the glory of not having to get anything today, but knowing I can if I want! There was a day back when, when I did do the crazy and had fun, but I’m at a different place now. More laid back. Less willing to fight the crowds.

Last night my sis called to ask if I was going to Wal-Mart this morning at 4:00 am. If I was, would I mind getting a TV for Tori and Joe? Oh, my, No. I can’t imagine standing in line for one of their ten TV’s and fighting over it with a big guy who could knock me over with morning breath.

I have three words for everyone today. SIM.PLI.FY!

PS. I weighed this morning on Tracy’s scale that is three pounds off. I was 139 -140. So that means I’m still right in there at 142-143. [sigh!]


November 27, 2009 Posted by | Weight just a minute | Leave a comment

the first Thanksgiving

It’s Thursday morning, 5 am. I’m up starting the preparations for Thanksgiving Day. The house is still asleep. All is quiet –something it wasn‘t at 10:00 last night when I was trying hard to fall asleep. My grandson, Fisher, came and climbed in bed with me and within a few minutes we were both nodding off to dream land.

This is the first year we’re not having Thanksgiving in Ogden at one of the churches able to hold a hundred-plus people. For years we’ve all met and cooked and eaten and played and rough-housed and visited. This year all my brothers and sisters [with their own children and grandchildren] have gone their separate ways with families of their own. This year we won’t have the multi-generational gathering presided over with my mother as Matriarch.

She died just a few weeks after last year’s Thanksgiving celebration at the age of 90.

I remember so many holidays I wasn’t able to share with the rest of the family because of the nine years I spent in Pennsylvania and Ohio. I would call on Christmas or Easter or Mother’s Day and I could hear everyone’s voices in the background as I cried from loneliness. Now I’m here, and she’s gone.

I miss her. Last night we were joking about something and I said, “See, if Mom were still here we could just call and ask her.” Oh the things we used to call her for. . . How do you spell ‘deciduous?’ What temperature do you cook a roast if you are going to be in church for three hours and want it on the table at 1:00 pm sharp? What’s the best way to hem a nightgown made out of tricot? What’s a quick Halloween costume I could make out of a hoola-hoop and, say, a raccoon hat? Can I substitute Crisco for butter in this recipe? What do you do if your children are going in a undesirable direction? How did you ever survive raising nine children? What’s an idea for Mikelle’s history project? Do you know a story I can use in my Relief Society lesson on repentance? What should I get Janet for Christmas? Has anyone in the [extended] family had a baby? Who was Grandma Rollins’ great grandmother? Where can I get the best price on quilting batting? What day is family temple day? What can I use to clean the lint out of the bottom of my sewing machine? Is ‘xi’ a word I can use in Scrabble? Who gave the talk on Pride back in the 90’s? What’s dad’s second sister’s name? And who is her first daughter? What year did I paint that self-portrait? Do you still have it somewhere? What should we do about Leonard needing a liver transplant? How can we get through this? What’s your pie crust recipe? Are you going camping this year with us? Did you watch Jeopardy? Can you believe that Ken Jennings? How do I get rid of the smell in the drain? What should I change if my chocolate pound cake is too crumbly? How can I tell Stephen to trust in the Lord? How were you ever so patient?

Sometimes I just want to climb into her arms and have her hold me and comfort me and tell me everything is going to be OK.

I need her to tell me right now how to thaw the turkey that I thought was thawed last night when I went to bed. It’s been in the fridge a couple of days, but when I woke up early to get things started, I discovered it’s still frozen nearly solid!

I need her to tell me that she’s, indeed, in heaven, right by dad’s side, and that all of this earth-life stuff is worth it. I need her to tell me that if you’ve taught your children what is right, they will eventually get the whole concept of the gospel and want it for themselves in their own lives.

Rest peacefully, Mom. Enjoy heaven on this Thanksgiving Day. We all love and adore you and have no idea how we made it through a whole year without you! We miss you!

November 26, 2009 Posted by | Weight just a minute | 1 Comment

doin’ a job on me

I feel fat.

I really do. I look at myself in the mirror and can see a big difference. My legs look smaller and when I turn sideways I hardly have a butt. My brain, however, is telling me I’m fat.

How’s that for irony.

When I really was fat, my brain told me I really wasn’t all that bad. I would compare myself with every single person who passed by and I figured I was pretty much in the middle of the populace. Now that I’m on the lower end, [I know I am] my brain still tells me something different from what I am.

There’s a name for this. It’s body image distortion, a condition where people are incapable of seeing how they really look and inaccurately believe that some features are exactly the opposite of how they are in reality.

Some experts believe that negative body image may be rooted in early childhood development issues: Babies or toddlers who aren’t touched enough, for instance, may grow into adults who don’t appreciate their bodies. And according to a recent study, people who were physically or sexually abused as children are more prone to dislike or feel disconnected from their bodies.

Yup. I can identify with that.

Sometimes I’m in the car and I look down at my thighs and just groan with disgust. My thighs are all spread out and look twice as big as they really are.

Anyway, I know my brain is doing a  job on me, so I’m choosing to ignore most of it. I just have to keep telling myself that I’ve done well, reached some goals and want to continue making better choices than I have the last couple of years.

If I ever erroneously thought for a moment that this was all going to be over when it was over, I was mistaken!

November 24, 2009 Posted by | Weight just a minute | Leave a comment

where to now?

I’ve been wondering what a blogger does after they get to the place they were aiming for when they first started blogging.

I remember so clearly that Saturday back in May when Holly and I drove to our WW meeting in Rock Springs. We were both discouraged with ourselves. We both promised each other we were going to do better, follow the program, inspire our WW people. We were going to quit making excuses. We were going to check in with each other. We were going to quit lying and sneaking and cheating.

I really had no intention of doing that. Sure I would try it for a week or maybe even two, but I knew I would fail. Again. I had been failing for two years. I knew I didn’t have what it takes. I knew I was just kidding myself and lying to Holly. Because that’s what my life had become. One. Great. Big. Fat. Lie.

[I’d just like to ‘graduate’ and move on to another subject, something more important, something life-changing! Maybe saving orphans in Africa or making pencil rolls, like Tracy’s huge project. But I’m afraid to lose my focus. I’m afraid to let myself move on to something more worthwhile.]

So, even though I might pretend to have this figured out, I know that I’ll still be struggling with food when everyone else has somehow moved on.

I found this letter that I wrote to Kristin Holt, WW Trainer, way back then.

Well this should be very interesting and enlightening. I’ve needed to get re-motivated, recommitted and back on track for a very long time.

I’ve been acting as though I have given up on my Goal, Maintenance and Lifetime . . . and myself.

It will be very apparent to you that I am not using any tools. Every single morning I wake up thinking about my weight and saying “Today is the day I am going to eat healthy and exercise, take care of me. No matter what else happens during the day.” I never make it.

I should be using 20 points to lose the 15 pounds that I have put back on since I reached goal. Some weeks I exercise but the last three weeks I have done nothing. I have never calculated using activity points to exchange for food, even three years ago when I was on program.

My husband is on the liver transplant list. My mother died, as well, this past December. I have been eating as a coping mechanism for about 6 months. I really need to stop eating, start feeding my body with healthy food and incorporating healthy lifestyle habits. I am not using Helpful Habits or Tools for Living, although I want to start doing so, beginning right now. I truly am miserable with myself.

Looking forward to recapturing goal!


Now I can see that I did get re-motivated, recommitted and back on track. I did stick with it [even though it took me four times longer than I ever thought possible!] Looking back, I really can’t believe I got from t.h.e.r.e  to  h.e.r.e!

That was so stinking hard!

Sure, it was worth it. I keep saying that! But what you don’t know is that I still struggle every single day. I’d like to say that decisions about food come easier. [They do, but it’s not easy!] I’d like to say that I am motivated to exercise every single day and that I don’t worry when I go to a restaurant. I’d like to say that I threw away all my fat clothes. I’d like to say I’m comfortable being me.

But the truth is, I’m scared. Every meal scares me. I’m scared to face Thanksgiving and Christmas. I’m scared to throw away anything! I’m scared that if I start eating I won’t be able to stop. And I’m embarrassed that I’m still talking about food forty years later. Forty years ago I started using food as a coping mechanism.

I feel like there is a huge fork in the road. [And no, not the kind to eat with!] I found a path before, so I’m praying for another.

November 23, 2009 Posted by | Weight just a minute | Leave a comment

tickled my funny bone!

Oh my heck, I just read the funniest blog! I’ve been searching for a few other sites that are uplifting, honest, encouraging and that I can relate to. Lots of times I just get frustrated and move on, but this one was dang me!

She started out saying that Kate Moss keeps quoting “Nothings tastes better than thin feels.”

I’ve used that line lots of time to try to talk myself out of something delish, but terribly unhealthy, staring me in the face. But really, I heard it from Diet Center 20 years ago, then at Weight Watchers a dozen or so times.

This gal said:

If I was forced at fork point to deliver an alternative to “nothing tastes as good as…”, I’d find “being healthier feels” or “being in control feels” much more meaningful. But even those don’t really work for me, because from my point of view, comparing taste and being is like comparing apples to shoe boxes . They’re two separate entities. The only motto that truly makes sense to me is “Nothing tastes as good as carrot cake with cream cheese frosting, but if I want to remain healthy, I can only have it every now and then.”

That really gave me a chuckle!

Been trying to figure how to navigate through Thanksgiving Weekend. I thought of eating on smaller plates, drinking plenty of water before meals, promising myself a new outfit, remembering how long it takes to lose a couple of pounds, etc.

Honestly, I’ve made it through the holidays a couple of times without gaining, but January through April? Forget it! Those months seem to drag, and they’re cold and pretty boring. I tend to comfort myself with food.

I’ll be thinking about a great idea to get me through. Otherwise I’ll be stuck with this posting thing for the next six months, as well. Better to stay at goal and move on to another journey to b.e.t.t.e.r.

November 23, 2009 Posted by | Weight just a minute | Leave a comment

jellybelly fat

I mean, really. I was fat before! I could take both hands and spread them as huge as was humanly possible [around one of my three rolls] and still not be able to hold all the blubber around my middle front. And even though I’ve lost 19 pounds, I still have a couple of hands full! Last month when I was measuring, I recorded that I’d lost 6 inches of the ugly stuff in the mid-section, but there’s still plenty to go!

When I was doing 100 crunches a day it was better, tighter, firmer, smaller. But I’ve not been as dedicated to exercising as I had been and now it’s creeping back. The last few weeks I’ve felt pretty slodgy. I’m not sure that’s a word, but it surely must be a feeling! Because it describes me perfectly.

Bust was 40, then 38, then 37.5, then 37.5, now 37
Waist was 34, then 31, then 31, then 30.5, still 30.5
Abdomen was 40.5, then 36.5 then 35.5, then 34.5, still 34.5
Hips were 41, then 38.5, then, 38, then 37.5, still 37.5
Thigh was 24.75, then 22.75, then 22.25, then 22, now 21.5
Arm was 13.5, then 12, then 12, then 11.75, now 11.5

I have been measuring my calve  all along, but the only change has been from 15 inches to 14.5.

Dang. I wish this was something that once you worked hard and accomplished, you could keep the results. But [sigh] it’s got to be a priority every single day!

I’m so sick of the pop-up ads that exclaim their “one simple rule . ..” some magic pill from Africa or the Amazon. I KNOW what the simple rule is! Get up off my butt couch and do 100 sit ups, some Supermans, some crunches, and obliques!

I need to go do that right now.

November 21, 2009 Posted by | Weight just a minute | 3 Comments

oh my stars and garters!

My mother had so many weird sayings:

I wish I had that card and you had a stick  in your eye! [This, during a Canasta game.]

The day’s not gettin’ any younger!

Over my dead body!

You lazy pup!

As crooked as a dog’s hind leg!

Oh my stars and garters!

I’ve  never been sure what stars and garters had in common, and I’d hate to take a gander, but I know as well as I know green jello, that it meant something pretty spectacular was going on!

And something is! I finally reached 142. Woo, woo, hoo! November 21, 2009! After four days of coming down off an evil pumpkin roll, I finally did it.

Another three months and I should be able to lose the ONE MORE POUND to goal!

November 21, 2009 Posted by | Weight just a minute | Leave a comment

raving maniacal fool

I’ve had two great days filled with healthy food, whole grains, skim milk, yogurt, veggies, egg omelet, chicken, salad, blueberries and peaches. See. I know what is good and I know what is delish! The swelling has disappeared. I can move my ring again on my left hand. [It was truly stuck for a whole day, imbedded in the little rolls of my temporarily pudgy finger.] Tomorrow I’m fully expecting to be back to 142.5!

I just have to remember: don’t eat like a raving maniacal fool two days in a row!

Earlier this summer I was reading a great new find. These next few sentences really struck a chord with me and I’m passing them on.

From “Eat This, Not That:”

It doesn’t matter how intensely you exercise.

It doesn’t matter if you try to make the smartest choices, pick the healthiest foods, and watch what you eat at every meal.

All it takes to sabotage your weight loss goals is one simple mistake!.

Add just one of these nutritional neutron bombs into your diet just once a month –let me repeat that — just once a month! — and you could add nearly 7 pounds of flab to your frame in the coming year!

Sure, some of them seem obvious: Anything that goes by the name Double Trouble Brownie Sundae at least earns points for giving consumers fair warning. But others hide behind the seemingly wholesome fare –banana pancakes, veggie sandwich, tuna melts, even some salads! How can they be bad?

So I had a [huge] slice of pumpkin roll. I’m over it. [Still got the retainers nearby, though.] I can’t tell you how many things I haven’t eaten! How many things I have resisted! How many good healthy choices I have made. So I’m hanging on to that. I made one hundred good choices and one poor choice in the last week.

And I’m not about to let the last slice of pumpkin roll get to me tonight. I learned my lesson! I’m going upstairs right now and insisting that hubby eat it right this minute!

November 19, 2009 Posted by | Weight just a minute | Leave a comment

under the big top


I should just join the circus!

I could be getting paid for this balancing act!

November 19, 2009 Posted by | Weight just a minute | Leave a comment

u.g.l.y. — take two

It’s Wednesday evening and I’m sitting here with my retainers in. I’m so annoyed at myself for eating a huge slice of pumpkin roll last night. You know the kind that is rolled up with cream cheese in the middle and sprinkled with powdered sugar. The kind that are everywhere around Thanksgiving time. Yah, hubby bought one on Sunday, as well as some apple pie turnovers, and they have been sitting on the cabinet for four days. Last night after he was asleep I talked myself into eating just one slice, but then I cut it the size of two, so there you go.

This morning I woke up to u.g.l.y! My face looked  like a pumpkin! Not just a normal pumpkin — one that had frozen and thawed and frozen and thawed again and then imploded on itself. You know the ones that are sitting on people’s porches right now, three weeks after Halloween! Yup. My eyes were red and the area just under my eyes was like a topographical map . . .  dips and mountains all over the place. Definitely u.g! And to help matters along, a huge red pimple has sprung up in the same area on my right cheek!

I need a pep talk!

This is all getting away from me again!

What I truly don’t understand is how I can keep doing this. I can go for weeks eating healthy and normal and committed and driven [even] and then just totally blow it.

So disgusted

So discouraged

So frustratged

So stupid

So it’s retainer time again. I put them in around 6:00 pm and I’ll keep them in until bed time. I’ve tried sleeping with them but it gags me to lay down with something so obnoxiously plastic in my mouth. Something about my airway.

If I ever do get this . . . I’ll write a book!

November 18, 2009 Posted by | Weight just a minute | 2 Comments