Weighing Matters

my journey to b.e.t.t.e.r

Happy New You!

Just wanted to say Happy New You one and all.

Happy journey to b.e.t.t.e.r

Happy journey to h.e.a.l.t.h

Happy journey to c.o.n.t.e.n.t.m.e.n.t

Happy journey to a.n.s.w.e.r.s

Happy journey to p.e.a.c.e

Happy journey to l.o.v.e

Happy journey to j.o.y

Happy journey to y.o.u

Love, me

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December 31, 2009 Posted by | And that's a wrap, Celebration, Holidays | Leave a comment

Thelma Rose

Mikelle’s dear friend and resident where she has been working the past year and a half passed away. It was never Thelma, always Thelma Rose.

This amazing, wonderfully warm friend made a huge impact on my daughter’s life and on her heart. And I will always be grateful for that. Thelma Rose had very few moments of clarity, reality or moments in the present.  She rambled on about past memories, past experiences and brought them right into today as though she were currently participating in some adventure or mystery. But she loved Mikelle. And Mikelle adored her!

I’d call her or text and ask what she was doing and inevitably Mikelle was doing Thelma Rose’s hair, her nails, rubbing her feet, laughing with her, making home movies or just sitting side-by-side on the couch chatting or watching So You Think You Can Dance. This is a nursing/retirement home! [They’d all say “You call that dancing?!?]

One day Mikelle called me and said that Thelma Rose had had a few minutes of total clarity and she told Mikelle in the sweetest, most personal and earnest way. “I want you to get your life together, Mikelle, so we can spend all of Eternity together in heaven!”

Oh my goodness. It broke my heart and made my day all in one moment of clearness.

Thelma Rose told Mikelle what I’ve been telling her for years, only it sunk in when Thelma Rose said it. Thank you Thelma Rose. Thank you for loving Mikelle. Thank you for including her in your life. Thank you for sharing your smile and laughter with her. Thank you for warming and expanding her heart. Thank you for including her in your expectations. Thank you for encouraging her to get it together!

Love you Thelma Rose! Rest well. See you in heaven!

December 31, 2009 Posted by | Friends, Life | Leave a comment

dishes

I love doing dishes. Well that’s not entirely true. I love having the dishes done.

Doing dishes, for me, has always served a double purpose. For example, when we are camping I insist on washing dishes every single meal for the ten-day period because I want my hands clean! It’s the only time I can really get under those nails, get the pine sap and soot off.

When I’m at home I want the dishes done because I hate the clutter. I want the dishes either in the cupboard or in the dishwasher. I’m still trying, after 23 years, to train hubby to put them in the dishwasher or at the very minimum, to at least check and see if they fit in there. [But no.]

I’m at Tracy’s for a few days and just woke up to last night’s dishes in the sink, on the cabinet and stove. I washed them all and laid them out on a towel to dry. I wash here for two reasons. To get rid of the clutter — she has an enormous amount of dishes with four children and three meals a day — it just, logically, all backs up. And second to keep warm! Their water heater is turned to 180 degrees but the house is usually around sixty. They are all very hearty people and used to the cooler temperature in their all-electric home. I’m sure it costs about the same as a monthly house payment to keep this place warm in the winter so I can understand why the heat is low. But every chance I get to turn on the hot water and keep my hands there for twenty minutes I take it.

It wreaks havoc with my manicure, but it’s very utilitarian. The greater good, you know.

So it is with everything else. I was thinking of how it fits with eating healthy and exercise. You can probably make the leap yourself . . .

Even though I love it when I’m in the groove, [when I start to crave daily exercise and wouldn’t go a day without] I don’t particularly like to exercise right now after not doing it consistently and mindfully the last 2-3 weeks. [It’s a lot like starting over.] But I did exercise yesterday right on Tracy’s livingroom floor — I did 100 abs and the whole round of hydrants and back leg lifts. Then I did squats on the wall for three 30-second holds. [killer!] And I love-hated the feeling throughout the day when my muscles were actually aching. [It’s been a while since I felt that.]

I have to make myself do it. Yesterday legs and abs, this morning arms and chest. I have to make myself until I want to exercise. I have to live as though I’ve got it all together until I get it all together!

This morning I added some core exercises because I’ve known for some time I needed to. Can I just say it hurts every part of my body to try to hold myself up on my elbows and toes for 30 second increments. My back hurts, my tummy hurts and of course my elbows and toes ache like crazy! But it’s for the greater good. Evidently this group of muscles steadies the frame and keeps everything lined up properly. “When the core muscles are weak, other muscles have to compensate and take over functions they weren’t designed to perform, so they can’t work at their peak efficiently and they get stretched in unnatural ways.” [This from my new book, I Hate it When Exercise is the Answer.]

Dishes. Exercise.

I do each because I like what it produces. Not the process. It’s the end I’ve got in mind. No pun intended.

December 31, 2009 Posted by | Children, family, Exercise, Work | Leave a comment

t.o.d.a.y.

I keep hearing, for New Years I’m going to . . . stop chewing, start eating healthy, really start exercising, stop this or that, start this or that.

Why New Year’s? [How about getting a two-day’s head start on the whole project?]

How about today? Why do we think we need to start on a Monday, a new month, a new year? Today is the perfect day to make a change, to make a difference, to make a fresh start. Today’s Wednesday, December 30, and I’m going to make a difference in a few things today. Not everything. But a few.

I can eat healthier today than I did last week. I can exercise this morning instead of going all day without even a good stretch. I can make a difference in how I feel right now.

I can stop this avalanche and get my footing. I’m only up a couple pounds and its better to get on track right now instead of doing what I’ve done in the past. Most people don’t even know I’ve messed up. So right now, at 7:50 in the morning, I’m heading to the car to get my new weights and starting the morning right.

Two days ahead of schedule!

December 30, 2009 Posted by | Goals, Optimism | 2 Comments

but ‘n’ just, just ‘n’ but

I listened to Dr. Laura on the way to Tracy’s and one comment she made changed my direction of thinking and supposing for a few minutes. And I’ve thought about it several times since.

She said when you are speaking and you say ‘just’ or ‘but’ you often negate what you spoke. ‘Just’ and ‘but’ are like two weights around your ankles.

I realized you I don’t get very far justing and butting all over the place.

I considered it the rest of the day and each time I almost said either of the words I was able to stop and think through what I was negating. I thought of the times in the past when I said, for example, “I’m, sorry, it’s just that you . . . ”

[Not a very affective apology.]

Or “I want to, I really do. But I just . . .”

Oops, both words are in that excuse and it really changes the meaning of ‘I really want to.’

So I started thinking about how I messed up this past week. There was just too much food around the house! I’m not sure that sentence has the same impact, because ‘just’ there means ‘only.’ So I didn’t really negate anything. But when I say “I really wanted to eat healthy but there was too much unhealthy food around the house,” I’m not being responsible for what I did. I’m shifting responsibility to the food! It’s the food‘s fault! Or hubby’s for buying so much junk, or all the company’s fault. I wanted to have plenty of food for all of them, things they would like, but it turned out that I didn’t control my own eating and was out of control.

I fell back on some really poor habits. Sneaking food, eating in bed. Eating ’til I was past stuffed. Ugh.

When I use ‘just’ as an excuse [as opposed to meaning recently or only] it also changes what I am saying. I wanted to get the house in order, it’s just that I had to . . .

I’m going to try to be more aware of saying what I mean and what I want to say . . .

I just realized. The word ‘try’ pretty much negates everything as well.

December 29, 2009 Posted by | Self-defeating | Leave a comment

all those ‘D’ words

I’d like to just ramble. I’d like to let drifting thoughts just appear in my post as they make themselves known. But I can’t really, because I’m afraid of what might come out. My guard is up and I can tell that I’m feeling all closed down. I can say this: I’m feeling a little disappointed, a little despondent, a little discourage, a little discomfited, a little depressed, a little dispirited, a little deflated. All those ‘D’ words. But I can add a few ‘U’ words as well because I’m feeling a little uncomfortable, unsuccessful, unaccepted and unbalanced

So I might be going through something. I’m entertaining that thought at the moment.

Ah. Maybe it’s post-holiday let-down. Maybe it’s associated with the blah, freezing-cold weather. Maybe it’s because I’ve not worked out or eaten healthy all week. Maybe it’s because I feel like I’ve let myself down in those two areas. Maybe it’s the sugar in my body and the crap. Maybe it’s the disappointment in my Relief Society Lesson.

Let’s go there for a minute. I had prepared for this particular lesson for several weeks. I had researched, written and rehearsed. I wanted everything so perfect because daughter, Mikelle, would be there and I wanted her to 1) see that I could teach well, 2) hear the importance of the message and 3) have it touch her heart for a life-changing experience.

None of those things happened. Really.

I started crying and couldn’t even talk. I pretty much blubbered my way through the lesson. I stumbled over words that I don’t usually stumble over. I was nervous, forgetful and I left the last two pages of my lesson unfinished. Here’s another ‘D word. Disaster. I am so embarrassed.

The thing is, my RS Presidency gave me a certain topic and I wanted to go in another direction. I did not want to teach about pornography and all the ills that accompany such a perverse and disgusting lifestyle. I wanted to teach about my love of the scriptures. I thought I knew best. So when it turned out poorly, I felt like I had let them all down as well, and that they might be secretly feeling ‘we-told-you-so’ sort of things. [They wouldn’t do that. But I’m feeling the same whether they would or wouldn’t.]

And I feel blah.

So I ate. [ah, now we’re getting to it . . .] I let my emotions drive me right to the rest of the ‘Reisens.’ Opened the box of Maxfield Chocolates. Found Leonard’s Cookies’ n’ Cream candy bar that I made him hide. [Dang it, he is not a very good hider!] I ate pasta and lasagna. I ate Stephen’s candy bar. I ate, ate, ate. And, you guessed it my weight is up. [You know what! If my weight wasn’t up I’d be disappointed too. It deserves to be up!!!!]

Mikelle and Logan are snoring on the couch. It’s past nine in the morning. My house is a shipwreck! I need to get my act together. My pants are tight and my face is bloated. My eyes have baggage! I’m missing Tracy and her family. I need to go to work and get some more hours in over the break — 24  total. I have no energy. I have no ambition.

I don’t know. I’m just a little disappointed, a little despondent, a little discourage, a little discomfited, a little depressed, a little dispirited, a little deflated. All those ‘D’ words.

December 28, 2009 Posted by | Down, Self-defeating | 2 Comments

new new new

It’s the beginning of a new week. The Sabbath. I weigh 142.5 after a week of company, holiday goodies and too much food around the house. In a few days it’s a new year and a new decade — a great time for a new outlook and a new beginning. A while ago I posted the phrase “a new look, a new outlook.” And I know the two go hand-in-hand. Got to have the new outlook in order to stay with the new look. [Wow. 9 ‘new’s in that paragraph! — so obviously it’s my point!]

Mikelle and I were just discussing yesterday how many clothes I have stuffed in the closet. She recognized it’s because there are four sizes in there! I look at some of the clothes I wore six months ago and they are huge. Huge. And I don’t want to go back there. Even all the clothes I recently bought from Christopher and Banks that I thought were so attractive and complimentary are gigantic now, so I really need to pass them along, give them away, let go of them, even though I spent a whole lot of moolah.

Really, got to get rid of them. [Just trying to convince myself!]

My new way of thinking can’t be about ‘better hang on to them just in case . . . .’

We were goofing around and were wondering which one of us was smaller so we challenged each other to put on the other’s pants. Wow. They both fit perfectly! I am the same size as my 21-year-old daughter! I felt so good!

That’s what I’ve got to hang on to. Not a bunch of too-expensive, too-big clothing. I’ve got to hang on to what it feels like to be where I’m at. This is where I want to be until forever. 140 pounds, [still working on that!] size medium, size 10.

That’s the new me.

Yea!

December 27, 2009 Posted by | Celebration, Optimism, Yay! | Leave a comment

early to bed, early to rise

It should finish with “makes a person thinner . . . “or helps a person stay on track” . . . or “keeps a person committed to her weight-loss goals,” or something like that. I know it ends with “makes a person healthy, wealthy and wise,” and that works, as well.

If I had just gone to bed earlier I know I would have been down to 142 this morning. I ate so healthy all day long even though we had a house full of company and had food everywhere in sight. But in the evening when everyone was gone I sat down to watch the Today Show [which was recorded] and thought seriously about the pasta salad sitting in the fridge. I tossed that back and forth across my mind for at least five minutes and then headed toward the fridge. A small bowl. Then another, and then a third! Ugh.

Wouldn’t have been too bad if I had stopped there, but no.

Then I opened the Reisen chocolate pieces. After all, “It’s the Reisen for the Season!” it said on a darling card attached to the package from a neighbor. Well, I concluded, if it’s the Reisen for the Season it can’t be all that bad! I ate a handful. [A huge handful, I might add!] Then a cheese stick then a chocolate cherry. Double ugh.

I can’t wait until all the food is gone. All the breakfast casserole. All the chicken lasagna. All the candy and banana bread and meatloaf!

I want the fridge to be nearly empty with just my yogurt and some fruits and veggies. I want to be strong against the draw of food. I want to be resolved with my food issues. I want to be normal. I want to be me.

I want to be done with this food fight!

December 27, 2009 Posted by | Dang it!, Frustrations, Set back | Leave a comment

12:12

I must not have been sleeping particularly well last night because, where, I usually notice the digital clock a couple of times a night, I took note of it all night long!

I’ve posted before about numbers. I love them. I observe the patterns in numbers. Last night I saw 10:10, 11:11, grabbed the camera at 12:12, then saw 2:23, [missed it by one] 4:44 and 5:55. Granted, I’m usually awake at the two latest times, but this is Sunday morning and I could have been sleeping!

Where this all started:

I lived in Pennsylvania in a little cement home with then husband, Barry, Scott, Tracy and Cameron. One night I looked at the digital and it said 2:22. I didn’t think much of it, but when the next several nights in a row I woke up at exactly the same time and saw the clock at 2:22 I got a little scared. I actually attributed it to Satan. I thought he was trying to give me some kind of demonic message. I was afraid to go to sleep. I was frightened for me and my little family.

Well,  I resolved to change the experience into something else. I decided I was going to make 2:22 my lucky number. I took the matter into my own hands and determined for myself that Satan was going to have nothing to do with the entire situation. I remember feeling strong about it. I remember thinking [at the relatively young age of 26] it was my responsibility to protect myself and my family!

So bizarre! So bizarre!

So, fast forward 30+ years. I still see the clock several times a night or wake up just as it is turning to a sequential numeral. But I insist it’s a lucky moment in time. I maintain that God is aware of me and behave as though an angel from heaven is stopping by to say “hello my sweet.”

December 27, 2009 Posted by | Numbers, OCD, Silly | 2 Comments

tender feelings

I’m so blessed to have these two in my life! They’re good friends, Aunt and Niece. They adore each other and look forward to spending time together. I am grateful to have them here for the holiday and thankful for the joy they bring my life.

Sometimes life gets overwhelming but right when it does, more often than not, something happens to let us know how good life is and if we’d just stop and think about it, there’s more good than bad, more positive than negative and so very much to thank God for.

Counting blessings right now . . . one, two, . . .

December 26, 2009 Posted by | Blessings!, Children, family | Leave a comment