Weighing Matters

my journey to b.e.t.t.e.r

apparently

Apparently the pants I wear are unflattering. Apparently they don’t connect with fashion and womanhood. Apparently they don’t compliment my body shape. Apparently I shouldn’t be buying pants with the double seam up the outside of the leg.

That’s what I hear.

I love them! They are cheap inexpensive, dark blue, fit like a glove, come all the way up to my waist. What more could I want?

I’ve tried other pants. I have. I’ve tried on the ones that flare at the bottom and drag on the floor. I’ve tried the ones that only come a hair past my hair. [oops, sorry] I’ve tried the ones that are supposed to flatter my backside. I’ve tried the ones with decorative pockets and flaps in the back, but I really don’t need to draw attention to that side of me anyway. I’ve tried the ones that cost a fortune and really do look nice but I can’t afford anyway. So I buy these. And I love them.

I actually own 62 pair of pants with the double seam up the side. Of course they are various sizes and colors and lengths. Some are at least 15 years old. Some are just a couple of months old. Some are 35 pounds ago. One pair is for the near future when I lose five more pounds. Some have the button fly and others zip. But they all are heading to blanket-ville.

My daughter’s right. I shouldn’t have bought pants with the double seam. But not for the reason she used to support her cause. It’s because I’m having a hard time sewing through the double seam to make my quilt.

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January 11, 2010 Posted by | Dang it!, Life, Silly | 2 Comments

a fool’s hope

Ok, reality bites a tiny bit. After gaining, and measurements [ugh] and too-tight pants I’m so ready to get back on track. So far, two good [excellent] days in a row! It was so frightening to be so out of control so quickly — and right after a couple of good weeks. Wow. Many ‘so‘s in those sentences.] I had been sailing along at 140-141, clothes fitting great. I was exercising regularly and making good food choices, [made it through the five Christmas parties] and then * * *k.a.b.o.o.m * * *

And the weird thing is, I made it through Christmas and even New Years. But the day after that I [somehow] gave myself permission to pork out. And the combination of having not exercised regularly and eating like a sink hole, with my fat cells wide [Pac-Man like] open, the fat just glommed on. It found a home on my stomach and thighs!

I’m so disgusted.

But the scale is slowing and consistently heading back down. This morning I’m 141. Now I need to get the measuring tape back where it was, and that only comes from one thing. Exercise!

This is like so many other things that never stay done. Dishes, laundry, dusting, vacuuming. It’s a daily chore! You fall into that false hope that when you DO something it will remain DONE. Not so. I’m here to tell ya!

I’ve been reading Emily Watts’ Take Two Chocolates and Call Me in the Morning. In her chapter ‘Quit Trying to Finish the Laundry,’ she explains it’s a fool’s hope! Most of us live in denial of the fact that so many of the tasks of our lives partake of this cyclical, unfinished nature. We like closure. We like to finish things! And so we live in mild despair, feeling as though we’re never accomplishing anything because nothing seems to stay accomplished!

She continues: I think the first step we need to take is to let go of our denial and accept the fact that as long as we’re alive and kicking there are some jobs that will have to be done again and again. Knowing that this is the way the world works, we can then set about asking ourselves what we can gain from it.

One immediately evident benefit of the phenomenon of never-finished business is that it teaches us to value process over product. Since ‘products’ seem to be few and far between, whereas ‘process’ is with us every day, it makes sense that we’ll be happier if we can learn to relax and enjoy doing as much as we enjoy finishing.

This is crazy-foreign to me. I rarely allow myself to enjoy the process. I’m for getting things done and believing they should stay that way. Sometimes I openly rebel because I can’t accept that dust appears every single day. I say to myself almost everyday: No I refuse to dust! I already dusted a couple of weeks ago and since nobody lives here anymore, it shouldn’t need dusting again so soon!

I do try to get dishes and laundry done every day, but dusting? Vacuuming? No.

Daughter, Mikelle, on the other hand, does both — sometimes twice a day! I’m telling you crazy-foreign!

But back to exercise. I know! I truly know and understand I need to exercise at least three times a week. Every single expert and semi-expert [and pseudo-expert] on the face of the earth is telling us this — wherever you look! It’s on every talk show, every radio show, every women’s magazine, every reality show. It’s in everyone’s N.Y.’s resolution. I even hear it in church from the pulpit.

So, yah, I know. I just thought for a minute that I could get a way with not doing it for a while. Kind of like dusting and vacuuming.

I’m heading up right now for hydrants and leg lifts and one-thousand-fifty-three crunches while I watch the Today show.

January 9, 2010 Posted by | Commitment, Dang it!, Exercise | Leave a comment

spending

America First
Nook and Cranny   21.15
JoAnn Fabric  6.49
Movie  44.13

Wells Fargo
Chris & Banks  111.07

Discover
Murdochs  78.72
Bath and Body  51.44
Sam’s  19.87
Sam’s  9.01

Capital One
Murdochs  544.60
Sam’s  17.86
Wal Mart  24.97

WaMu
Maverik  22.50
Smith’s  7.91
Albertsons  18.35
C Banks  10.59
Abbots  9.93
Porters  5.29
Abbots  16.94
Pita Pitt  11.34
Porters  5.82
Sports Author  47.45
Deseret Bk  43.13
Bath and Body  10.60

I listed all of this so I could really take a look at how sick it is! If I were a drinker I’d be stone cold drunk right now. If I were a gambler, I’m sure the mafia would have me in their sights. I acknowledge I have addictive personality disorder. And I want to be perfectly clear and truthful with myself about this. I’m not sure why I’m out of control, but I know I am.

Time for some extra hard work at getting back to some semblance of order.

January 6, 2010 Posted by | Dang it!, Frustrations, Self-defeating | 2 Comments

early to bed, early to rise

It should finish with “makes a person thinner . . . “or helps a person stay on track” . . . or “keeps a person committed to her weight-loss goals,” or something like that. I know it ends with “makes a person healthy, wealthy and wise,” and that works, as well.

If I had just gone to bed earlier I know I would have been down to 142 this morning. I ate so healthy all day long even though we had a house full of company and had food everywhere in sight. But in the evening when everyone was gone I sat down to watch the Today Show [which was recorded] and thought seriously about the pasta salad sitting in the fridge. I tossed that back and forth across my mind for at least five minutes and then headed toward the fridge. A small bowl. Then another, and then a third! Ugh.

Wouldn’t have been too bad if I had stopped there, but no.

Then I opened the Reisen chocolate pieces. After all, “It’s the Reisen for the Season!” it said on a darling card attached to the package from a neighbor. Well, I concluded, if it’s the Reisen for the Season it can’t be all that bad! I ate a handful. [A huge handful, I might add!] Then a cheese stick then a chocolate cherry. Double ugh.

I can’t wait until all the food is gone. All the breakfast casserole. All the chicken lasagna. All the candy and banana bread and meatloaf!

I want the fridge to be nearly empty with just my yogurt and some fruits and veggies. I want to be strong against the draw of food. I want to be resolved with my food issues. I want to be normal. I want to be me.

I want to be done with this food fight!

December 27, 2009 Posted by | Dang it!, Frustrations, Set back | Leave a comment

alrighty then

Ok, I need to get back to food/weight related issues. Enough of Christmas; enough of the distractions and the entire “oh, come on, it’s the holidays — you can let down a little” — attitude. I’ve watched my weight [143 this morning] creep up the past week and I need to get a hold on things right now. I need to give myself ‘the talk’ and get back to what I know is healthy and good for me, both physically and emotionally. And of course, when those two are in place spiritually and mentally fall right into place, as well. I know that!

We’ve had enough poppy-seed bread, the best [just ask anyone!] banana bread, cookies and candy from neighbors, sausage-breakfast casserole, ham and potatoes, meatloaf and potatoes, pasta salad and Giant candy bars to last a lifetime. Why, [ha] I wonder, did I ever think I could bring fifteen humongous candy bars [for everyone else] into my home and believe [ha, again!] they wouldn’t be an enticement?

They’re cute! That’s what I told myself. Everyone will think they’re darling and creative and personal. They will love me more when I gift them. But I have now received the gift of ‘cookies and cream’ smeared all over my hips, tummy and rear!

I kid you not!

So this morning I’m back to exercising, eating yogurt, frozen fruit, and walnuts. Healthy, healthy, healthy all day. Someone else is going to have to be in the kitchen preparing meals. I can not be around banana bread today!

December 26, 2009 Posted by | Commitment, Dang it! | Leave a comment