Weighing Matters

my journey to b.e.t.t.e.r

all those ‘D’ words

I’d like to just ramble. I’d like to let drifting thoughts just appear in my post as they make themselves known. But I can’t really, because I’m afraid of what might come out. My guard is up and I can tell that I’m feeling all closed down. I can say this: I’m feeling a little disappointed, a little despondent, a little discourage, a little discomfited, a little depressed, a little dispirited, a little deflated. All those ‘D’ words. But I can add a few ‘U’ words as well because I’m feeling a little uncomfortable, unsuccessful, unaccepted and unbalanced

So I might be going through something. I’m entertaining that thought at the moment.

Ah. Maybe it’s post-holiday let-down. Maybe it’s associated with the blah, freezing-cold weather. Maybe it’s because I’ve not worked out or eaten healthy all week. Maybe it’s because I feel like I’ve let myself down in those two areas. Maybe it’s the sugar in my body and the crap. Maybe it’s the disappointment in my Relief Society Lesson.

Let’s go there for a minute. I had prepared for this particular lesson for several weeks. I had researched, written and rehearsed. I wanted everything so perfect because daughter, Mikelle, would be there and I wanted her to 1) see that I could teach well, 2) hear the importance of the message and 3) have it touch her heart for a life-changing experience.

None of those things happened. Really.

I started crying and couldn’t even talk. I pretty much blubbered my way through the lesson. I stumbled over words that I don’t usually stumble over. I was nervous, forgetful and I left the last two pages of my lesson unfinished. Here’s another ‘D word. Disaster. I am so embarrassed.

The thing is, my RS Presidency gave me a certain topic and I wanted to go in another direction. I did not want to teach about pornography and all the ills that accompany such a perverse and disgusting lifestyle. I wanted to teach about my love of the scriptures. I thought I knew best. So when it turned out poorly, I felt like I had let them all down as well, and that they might be secretly feeling ‘we-told-you-so’ sort of things. [They wouldn’t do that. But I’m feeling the same whether they would or wouldn’t.]

And I feel blah.

So I ate. [ah, now we’re getting to it . . .] I let my emotions drive me right to the rest of the ‘Reisens.’ Opened the box of Maxfield Chocolates. Found Leonard’s Cookies’ n’ Cream candy bar that I made him hide. [Dang it, he is not a very good hider!] I ate pasta and lasagna. I ate Stephen’s candy bar. I ate, ate, ate. And, you guessed it my weight is up. [You know what! If my weight wasn’t up I’d be disappointed too. It deserves to be up!!!!]

Mikelle and Logan are snoring on the couch. It’s past nine in the morning. My house is a shipwreck! I need to get my act together. My pants are tight and my face is bloated. My eyes have baggage! I’m missing Tracy and her family. I need to go to work and get some more hours in over the break — 24  total. I have no energy. I have no ambition.

I don’t know. I’m just a little disappointed, a little despondent, a little discourage, a little discomfited, a little depressed, a little dispirited, a little deflated. All those ‘D’ words.

December 28, 2009 Posted by | Down, Self-defeating | 2 Comments