Weighing Matters

my journey to b.e.t.t.e.r


Short term memory. Heck, ANY memory would be nice.

I’ve known it was going to be a holiday all month. Scott and I talked about it a couple of times on our way to Ogden on Saturday. But, somehow, I forgot. I went to bed around 9:00 last night and set the alarm for 4:15. This morning I hurried and got up, took a shower, and when drying off, glanced at the calendar in the bathroom. Monday, January 18, Martin Luther King Day.

OK. Change of plans.


January 18, 2010 Posted by | Frustrations, Holidays, Silly, Ugh! | 1 Comment


I’m venting. I know. I’m still venting.

No need to lash out.

I need to work a little more on my p.r.o.c.e.s.s.i.n.g

Alrighty then. [Big smile.] I weight 141.5. I’m cleaning my bedroom. I’m exercising in my room with my new 7 and 8-pound weights. Having Bruce’s cereal and mangos for breakfast. Heading to Park City or Ogden with Scott and Andie. And I’m going to have a great day!

[This whole thing has turned out to be way too personal, way to revealing and way too uncomfortable for me lately.]

January 16, 2010 Posted by | Frustrations, Self-defeating, Ugh! | Leave a comment


I need to process. Or maybe I need to vent. My feelings are frayed, I’m vulnerable, annoyed, hurt, frazzled, embarrassed, frustrated and ticked. I’m also feeling a little shame for hanging on to this for so long.

So, I’m processing. I want to get over it.

There’s a co-worker who verbally accosted me on Wednesday. It’s not the first time we’ve had differences. [I considered her a friend. We attend church in the same ward. We’ve worked together for fifteen years.] We’ve had a few flare ups in the past. Last time I was more wrong than she was and I apologized, went to the injured third-party [a student office-aide] as well as the student’s mother and tried very hard to make it right. I spoke to the principal and apologized for my part of the problem.

The situation revolves around the school office insisting on buzzing [two buzzes] for me instead of calling for me by name over the intercom system. I can surely see the reason for that during class period. I would not want to be the cause of undue interruptions during school time The problem is they continually buzz before and after school, during the summer when students aren’t even there, and during teacher work days. [Let me say this has been going on for years! — me asking them not to do it, them continuing it.]

One day the secretary said to me, “Oh don’t let it bother you.” I said, “But I’m telling you it does bother me, so I’m asking you to change it.” [Just because someone insists that I shouldn’t be annoyed doesn’t really take care of my annoyed feelings!] I specifically asked her to let student aides know they should call me by name before and after school. The very next day we had the first blow-up. [She said she forgot to tell the student aide?!?] This was on a day when I had other things going on. My husband was home in bed, depressed, and hadn’t worked for several days and my battery was dead. Another co-worker had to come and get me early, early in the morning. Ugh.

So, yah, it was the last straw.

I do take full responsibility for my unprofessional behavior that day. And as I said, I did apologize and tried very hard to mend feelings and asked the specific student to not quit her job [she said repeatedly she wanted to quit her morning job anyway, long before this incident, and she did ultimately quit her before-school job but kept her lunch time position.]

Fast forward, next student aide.

Wednesday at 7:30 she doubled buzzed me. Fine. I called her and asked what was needed and she explained. I was walking toward the office and pleasantly said “If you just want to page me when you need anything, I’ll come right away.” She smiled. I smiled. I wasn’t trying to cause a problem. I was cheerful, helpful, doing my job, going my merry way. I immediately took care of the situation she had buzzed me for. [I did not say “page me by name, or don’t use two beeps, just “If you just want to page me when you need anything, I’ll come right away.” My exact words. One sentence. Big smile. Happy me.]

At 8:08 I was being yelled at. I was being abused! I was being humiliated in front of the students. I was being treated like a nincompoop!

I said “Can we talk about this?”

“NO.” Screaming NO, not just talking no.

[Believe me, there was much more to this conversation, but it’s ugly and would take so much space. I’ll just say I tried very hard to get the situation resolved and was very accommodating, polite, professional and soft-spoken the entire time!]

I asked the student, was I rude to you? She said I wasn’t. I said did I offend you? She said I didn’t.

I said, “Wow!” The student shrugged her shoulders several times and told me later she didn’t know why the total overreaction.

But the secretary went to the principle, he went to a administrator’s meeting, I was reprimanded. [No reprimand for the secretary who was s*c*r*e*a*m*i*n*g at a co-worker, in public, no less!]

Later: “I’m sorry I popped off at you like that.” [Then she totally eliminated the apology by telling me I remind her of a former employee who was terrible, TERRIBLE, to both of us.]

Really? That’s it?

Our “friendship” took a direct hit! There was collateral damage! I will be professional, polite, certainly civil, continue to do my job. But no. I need to take care of me. I won’t be putting myself in the cross-hairs again. If she actually is sorry . . . she needs to UNdo the damage she did.

Everything goes back to normal?

I don’t feel normal!

I need to process. Or maybe I need to vent. My feelings are frayed, I’m vulnerable, annoyed, hurt, frazzled, embarrassed, frustrated and ticked. I’m also feeling a little shame for hanging on to this for so long.

* * *

And, yes, my weight is up. I stuffed these emotions. It’s what I do. It’s what I’m good at.

January 15, 2010 Posted by | Frustrations, Where it hurts | 1 Comment

pick myself up and get going again

Ok. Feeling a little better about life and myself this morning after a good night’s rest. It’s 4:28 a.m. and we’ve had a snowstorm overnight so I need to get to work and move snow.

I’m 143 right on the dot. Ugh.

I need to have two or three good, healthy, positive days in a row. This has been a learning experience, so I’m going to quit beating myself up and just get back to what I know is good for me. I can do this. Lord knows I’ve had plenty experience picking myself back up!

January 7, 2010 Posted by | Frustrations | Leave a comment


America First
Nook and Cranny   21.15
JoAnn Fabric  6.49
Movie  44.13

Wells Fargo
Chris & Banks  111.07

Murdochs  78.72
Bath and Body  51.44
Sam’s  19.87
Sam’s  9.01

Capital One
Murdochs  544.60
Sam’s  17.86
Wal Mart  24.97

Maverik  22.50
Smith’s  7.91
Albertsons  18.35
C Banks  10.59
Abbots  9.93
Porters  5.29
Abbots  16.94
Pita Pitt  11.34
Porters  5.82
Sports Author  47.45
Deseret Bk  43.13
Bath and Body  10.60

I listed all of this so I could really take a look at how sick it is! If I were a drinker I’d be stone cold drunk right now. If I were a gambler, I’m sure the mafia would have me in their sights. I acknowledge I have addictive personality disorder. And I want to be perfectly clear and truthful with myself about this. I’m not sure why I’m out of control, but I know I am.

Time for some extra hard work at getting back to some semblance of order.

January 6, 2010 Posted by | Dang it!, Frustrations, Self-defeating | 2 Comments

dRiVeS me cRaZy!

25 things that drive me crazy, make me mad or destroy my sanity: [Warning: you may not want to read this. Some content is unsettling or could be offensive to the pure in heart.]

1. Shrimp and other crawling sea creatures boiled alive and served as food for the human population.

2. Pornography. I hate going through a checkstand and seeing half-naked women right next to the candy bars, soft drinks and Chap Stick. When I was growing up, it was kept behind a counter or covered with brown paper.

3. People who leave their stuff on the toilet seat in a public restroom. This includes their poo, pee and paper.

4. People who use too much make-up. It seems they are hiding from the world and from themselves. I hate the orange line along the hair and jaw line of too dark [or the wrong color] make-up. Someone should be kind enough to tell the unwitting their makeup is all-wrong.

5. Forgetting important [and often trivial] things.

6. People who obviously haven’t studied the topic yet continually add their thoughts to the Gospel Doctrine class because they love the sound of their own stupidity. This kills the Spirit in a split second and undoes any good that was previously accomplished.

7. Really bad breath, and people who won’t bother to tell someone they could use a mint.

8. Gay and lesbian relationships. Holding hands and kissing in public. Movies and TV that insist on showing this depraved choice of lifestyle.

9. Bible bashing. Especially the morons who stand on the street corners during General Conference and yell at the top of their lungs that their views are more Christian than my beliefs.

10. Sewing machines that make knots under the fabric with the bobbin thread.

11. Manufacturers who try to trick me into eating more calories by putting 2 servings in a single package of say, a small bag of Sun chips, and list it on the nutritional label in very small print. This goes for a small bottle of juice as well. I mean, really, who is going to share the other half of a 14-ounce V-8 Splash after they have already put their germs on the rim?

12. People who can’t seem to rid their homes and yards of junk. This includes myself. My basement is a landfill in the making.

13. Public display of breasts. Big breasts falling out of a tiny tank top with a bra unequal to the exhibit. On more than one occasion I’ve walked over to a total stranger and said “Hitch it up, lady!”

14. Movies that would have been perfectly good but had to add vulgar language to up the rating.

15. Pop-up adds on my computer, especially the “one rule.” I’d like to “one-rule” them right in the nose.

16. Oprah weighing so dang much when she has access to the best dieticians, the best trainers and her own gym and swimming pool in all of her eight houses. I think it takes a lot of nerve to expect all of America to better themselves when she doesn’t take care of her own health and weight issues.

17. Tattoos, body piercing and the new trend of ear gauging with the big African-style loops that distort the lobe into a hideous display of anger and disrespect for the human body.

18. Affairs, unmarried sex, lies, flirting, cheating. Anything that undermines a sacred marital relationship. And as a result displaces children, warps their present and future relationships, resulting in the upheaval of society, creating single-parent families trying to raise innocent children on the backs of the welfare system.

19. Not knowing exactly what vitamins I should be taking for my particular circumstances.

20. Plaque. Getting my teeth cleaned and having to admit I’m particularly lazy in the area of oral hygiene.

21. The whole Hollywood thing. I can’t believe intelligent, hard-working, honest, decent people have any desire to observe famous people posing and stroking themselves on the red carpet. It infuriates me when the ‘rest of us’ fall prey to their lack of morals, lack of clothing and lack of reality.

22. Perfectly good cell phones and computers that no longer function because they have become outdated and have to be upgraded to keep up with technology.

23. Otherwise wonderful, loving and adorable people who can’t for the life of themselves realize they are offspring of a benevolent God who wants them to turn to Him in all things. They insist of ruining their lives with the trappings and glitter of the dark one’s lure.

24. People who continue to tell the same version of a story they’ve realized was not true but who enjoy the thrill of upsetting others with their gossip and ‘inside’ information.

25. Debt. The enticement of ‘having it all’ without having the means to pay for it. The concept of instant gratification and being lured by easy credit. The effect it has on the entire country and the economic situation when people selfishly want, want, want without actually having worked for it.

January 3, 2010 Posted by | Cleansing the palette, Frustrations, Life | Leave a comment

early to bed, early to rise

It should finish with “makes a person thinner . . . “or helps a person stay on track” . . . or “keeps a person committed to her weight-loss goals,” or something like that. I know it ends with “makes a person healthy, wealthy and wise,” and that works, as well.

If I had just gone to bed earlier I know I would have been down to 142 this morning. I ate so healthy all day long even though we had a house full of company and had food everywhere in sight. But in the evening when everyone was gone I sat down to watch the Today Show [which was recorded] and thought seriously about the pasta salad sitting in the fridge. I tossed that back and forth across my mind for at least five minutes and then headed toward the fridge. A small bowl. Then another, and then a third! Ugh.

Wouldn’t have been too bad if I had stopped there, but no.

Then I opened the Reisen chocolate pieces. After all, “It’s the Reisen for the Season!” it said on a darling card attached to the package from a neighbor. Well, I concluded, if it’s the Reisen for the Season it can’t be all that bad! I ate a handful. [A huge handful, I might add!] Then a cheese stick then a chocolate cherry. Double ugh.

I can’t wait until all the food is gone. All the breakfast casserole. All the chicken lasagna. All the candy and banana bread and meatloaf!

I want the fridge to be nearly empty with just my yogurt and some fruits and veggies. I want to be strong against the draw of food. I want to be resolved with my food issues. I want to be normal. I want to be me.

I want to be done with this food fight!

December 27, 2009 Posted by | Dang it!, Frustrations, Set back | Leave a comment

I forgot to post this

I was going to post this a couple of nights ago …

T’was the night before Christmas and all through the town
Not a sign of Baby Jesus was anywhere to be found.
The people were all busy with Christmas time chores
Like decorating, and baking, and shopping in stores.
No one sang “Away in a manger,
no crib for a bed.”
Instead, they sang of Santa
dressed-up in bright red.
Mama watched Martha Stewart,
Papa drank rootbeer from a tap.
As hour upon hour
the presents they’d wrap
When what from the TV
did they suddenly hear?
‘Cept an ad which told
of a big sale at Sears.
So away to the mall
they all flew like a flash
Buying things on credit
and others with cash!
And, as they made their way home
from their trip to the mall,
Did they think about Jesus?
Oh, no… not at all.
Their lives were so busy
with their Christmas-time things
No time to remember
Christ Jesus, the King.
There were presents to wrap
and cookies to bake
How could they stop and remember
who died for their sake?
To pray to the Savior
they had no time to stop.
Because they needed more time
to “Shop til they dropped!”
On Wal-mart! On K-mart!
On Target! On Penney’s!
On Hallmark! On Zales!
A quick lunch at Denny’s
From the big stores downtown
to the stores at the mall
They would dash away, dash away,
and visit them all!
And up on the roof,
there arose such a clatter
As grandpa hung icicle lights
up on his brand new step ladder.
He hung lights that would flash.
He hung lights that would twirl.
Yet, he never once prayed to Jesus…
Light of the World.
Christ’s eyes… how they twinkle!
Christ’s Spirit… how merry!
Christ’s love… how enormous!
All our burdens… He’ll carry!
So instead of being busy,
overworked, and uptight
Let’s put Christ back in
Christmas and enjoy
some good nights!
Merry Christmas, my friends!

Author, unknown

December 24, 2009 Posted by | Frustrations, Holidays | Leave a comment